ch-ch-changes

I feel like I need a change. I get like this a LOT... usually when things are becoming predictable and somewhat routine. It's my way to have the need to mix-it-up a bit.
But now, as I realize I am not 18 anymore, I find myself wondering... what are more simplistic ways of throwing my life a curveball?
I've done the "move" thing - not so easy with a 3-year-old.
I've done the "get married to someone you've only known 3 months" thing, and we all know how that turned out.
What can I do to get out of this boring rut and liven things up a little bit?
I think it may be time for a social life.

Laid Back...

I have an older lady with whom I am very dear friends with, and the other day she said to me, "Loralea, you just aren't the same lovely, free spirit that you used to be."
Ummmm, hello? Damn straight I'm not.
I remember those days (I refer to them now as P.D. - Pre Divorce). The ones where I didn't constantly have 5 million worries all jumbled in my head at any given moment. But, life has so many more responsibilities for me now... I'm constantly on my feet, trying to think ahead and plan every given moment in order to be prepared for those little "hiccups" life likes to throw.
About two weeks ago I got the flu. And I mean it was the full blown, knock you on your butt F-L-U. I was so weak and so unable to participate in life that I had to send my sweet 3-year-old son to stay with my parents for 6 days. And all I kept thinking over and over in my head was... "What do single moms do when they get the flu and they don't live near family or friends to help them out?"
Seriously.
What do they do?
You can't control being sick. And there was literally no way I could have cared for my son during that time.
See, these are the things that constantly bombard my every day thoughts.
Thinking and trying to stay one-step-ahead of life can become an exhausting job.
I remember when people used to describe me as "laid back" and "easygoing." Ha! How I wish those two words weren't such a foreign language to me now.
And I can't help but wonder.... does it ever get any easier?

weddings....

My son found my wedding album. And he carries it with him everywhere.
Which is actually pretty strange because in all of his three years of life, I have tried so hard to get him to "attach" to something other than me or his father. When I was putting him in daycare for the first time and I asked the teachers how I could make the transition easier on him, they all said the same thing, "Bring something from home that he's attached to so he can hold it throughout the day."
But there wasn't anything... no blanket, no binky, no stuffed little puppy dog or bunny. There was just me, and I'm pretty sure they frown on Mommy sticking around all day at the daycare. Sort of defeats the purpose I suppose.
Anyway I digress...
After our divorce I wondered what I should do with the 6 photos from my wedding that my sister-in-law sweetly placed in a photo album for me one Christmas, so I called and asked her and she said, "Save the album for James, he'll want it one day."
So I put it on the bottom shelf of his nightstand and have since forgotten it. Until he came into the living room today dragging it behind him, saying "What this, Mamma?"
I propped him up on my lap and we looked through it together. Well, I mean in all honesty there is only 6 pictures.
It took about 30 seconds.
They are the funniest wedding pictures you've ever seen... we're not even dressed up... we were both in jeans. I was on my lunch break from the newspaper... but somehow we still managed to get married in a church. And the best part of all was that it was December, so the decorations were beautiful and I didn't have anything to do with any of them. And the even better part was, since I was on my lunch break, my mother wasn't there =)
Yes... even though the marriage didn't last, I have to say that really was one kick ass wedding.
I wouldn't have changed a thing.
Well, maybe the groom.

The Alien

It's really strange, sometimes, being the Mom of a little boy.
They are so dirty. And rowdy. And mine likes to roar like a lion. Especially in social situations where roaring like a lion could perhaps be frowned upon, I can always count on James to bellow out a good one.
But the weirdest thing of all? Sports.
Is it just in their blood to enjoy watching and playing all sports? Or is my kid some sort of offshoot of my being raised in a household where my dad and brother constantly watched Sports Center and somehow it seeped into my DNA.
Either way, it's weird.
My son, at the ripe-old-age of 3, will stand outside and swing a golf club for 45 minutes straight. With no ball. And a perfect follow through swing. He just stands there, watching his reflection in the glass door, swinging over and over and over.
And the weirdest part of all is his super zeroed in concentration, as if there were nothing else going on around him at all. It's just him and his club. He's definitely inherited this trait from his dad, because lord knows I can't concentrate long enough to accomplish much of anything.
And it's not just golf. He does the same thing with football, baseball and soccer. And he routinely tells me he wants to go outside "to run."
It's like having my own personal trainer right here in my house, reminding me how lazy I truly am!
I suppose only time will tell if I really am raising the next pro athlete. And until then, my hope is to just cherish these precious character traits in this alien of a child I call "my son."

hollow

You know that super frustrated feeling that festers inside your gut when you're in a situation that completely sucks and you have absolutely zero control to do anything about it?
That my life right now.
Forced to continuously come face-to-face with situations that I have zero control over. All I can do is smile and go through the motions. Continuously having to deal with this hollow shell of a person who cares about no one.

stupidity

The lack of interest certain people seem to have in life never ceases to amaze me. Settling for less all because it's too impossible to swallow some pride and be a bigger person? That just doesn't make any sense to me.
And the funny thing is, the whole time you're shaking a finger at those injustices, screaming about how you are being robbed of everything, blaming all of your problems on situations and people - all that whole time - you, and you alone, are the one responsible for missing out. You are the one too stupid to see. You are the one to blame.
With every chance that passes you by and every missed moment of communication, you add one more example of your stupidity.

Peace, man.

My son turned three on Saturday. He technically doesn't turn three until Tuesday, but his party was Saturday. If you ask him how old he is, he'll hold up three fingers. Which makes it official.

I can't even remember my life before him. It's as if nothing else really came into focus until three years ago. And he gets so much more amazing every single day. I know that sounds cliche, and every mother says that about her child, but it's so true.

He is incredible.

His party had a 60's-hippie-toddler vibe to it, thanks to the peace sign/hippie bus paper plates and napkins Target had on sale about 3 months ago in celebration of Woodstock's 40th Birthday. We were complete with homemade wife-beaters, and drawn-on tattoos done in washable marker, which I now know will totally rub off with sweat.

And instead of holding up his two fingers and saying "Peace, man," he proudly holds up three.